Relationship

First dates: I have to have more cowbell

First of all, if you’re unfamiliar with the classic Saturday Night Live piece that inspired this week’s newsletter title, grab five and enjoy the video courtesy of YouTube. The keywords “cowbell” and “Will Ferrell” should help you find it quickly.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about why so many first dates go wrong. Based on some of the emails I received, you would think that the concept of a good first date is as rare as an ’86 Yugo in working order. Are half of us really that poor at making a solid first impression? Or is it the OTHER half of us who are so unreasonable in our expectations?

This is exactly the worst it can get. I can tell you seriously that I think most of us are BOTH. “C: All of the above.” Ironically, these days people want immediate gratification even when the concept of “customer service” is almost extinct. So, in a world of short attention spans and disappointed expectations, we date people. Assuming we have enough integrity to show up instead of falling apart, we hope to be “entertained” even though we feel perfectly free to leave our “A Game” hanging on the locker.

We are going to date, but simply put, we are not “bringing” it. And to complicate matters, thanks to online dating, many of us have more first dates than ever with people we haven’t even met before. In such situations, “go big or go home” takes on a new meaning.

So, like Christopher Walken, “I have a fever. And the only recipe is more cowbell.”

Here are eight ways we fail to do our best on first dates:

1) Lack of communication … AT ALL

You may be nervous. Perhaps you are playing conservatively so as not to “screw up” it. But if it takes four dentists, two rocket scientists, and a toddler to extract words from your mouth when you’re sitting across from someone you just met, don’t come whining at me when the appointment isn’t progressing the way you want it to. for.

2) Interview questions

This is obvious and you’ve heard it a million times before, haven’t you? Yeah well the problem is, WE STILL KEEP DOING IT anyway. So instead of repeating the problem for the 70th time, here is a practical solution: Take note of everything interesting that you see or read on the day of the appointment. When you get to know the person, start talking informally using topics that you have already spent time preparing to speak on. Joke around a bit, whether you are a man OR a woman. Use the “joke” skills you have learned. When you start hearing “I’ve known you for ten minutes, but it’s like we’ve known each other for years,” then you know you’re on the right track.

3) Don’t feel like being here

In fact, I’ve heard horror stories where someone’s quote SAID this at the beginning of the quote. Look. That’s pretty much equivalent to soft dating terrorism. “Hi, A. I’m B. I really don’t want to be here. No, really, I have better things to do.” You know, I’m starting to think that getting mad at someone at the last minute, or even putting them aside, isn’t as bad as it sounds.

4) Distractions

Can you leave the cell phone for the duration of the appointment? Can you control it? Can you trust the house is not on fire? Better yet, can you carry on a conversation without getting distracted?

5) Mentally detached

I am going to stack “tired”, “stressed” and “worried” into this category. Appointments that occur during lunch or at the end of the workday are particularly prone to “compression sickness.” If you are not fully present, you are not, well … you are not quite there. At least that is what the other person will be forced to assume. This can even scare someone, which we all know is what should never happen.

6) hasty

Yes, you can go as far as wanting to be on the date. You may even have a good night’s sleep and a dose of caffeine. But if you’re trying to fit a planned 2-hour experience into 25 minutes because “something came up,” then you’re stacking the deck against whatever good is coming from the date. At least the test is abbreviated, right?

7) Apathetic towards appearance

Emily told me about this recently. She noticed, and I agree, that people in general are much more arrogant about how they dress and clean than they used to be. Perhaps the “business casual” revolution has turned into the “post-casual” debacle. You sure don’t want to convey an obsession to “impress” someone. But that has nothing to do with the concept of not making any effort to even look good.

8) Focused on sex

The objectivity of your appointment early and often invariably leads to a nonchalant response. And no, this is no longer necessarily a purely male phenomenon (as if it really ever was). Stop concentrating on sexuality and start turning on masculinity or femininity instead and you’ll discover life-changing secrets to getting second dates. If this doesn’t make sense, email me.

Remember, this once again, as is often the case here, comes down to deserving what you want. Do you expect to meet interesting people who really attract you? Stop showing up on dates expecting to be “entertained” and start focusing on being great. I have to have more cowbell, honey.

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