A sarcastic glance at my inbox

“Have you been getting my emails?”

Yes I do, thanks for asking.

What’s that? Are you asking why you emailed me an offer…and I didn’t act on it?

Let me make sure I understand: was your offer so irresistible that I stand out for ignoring it?

And the most likely explanation is that I didn’t get the offer, because if I had, would I have bought it?

Oh boy, you better buy it then!

Urgh, no thanks.

“You’re running out of time”

So that?

I don’t mind losing an opportunity that doesn’t interest me.

You want to push the ‘scarcity’ button in my brain? Is not difficult:

“You’re running out of time to turn 2020 around”

“You’re running out of time to launch your new career”

“You’re running out of time to learn”

If all you have to say about your offer is that it ends soon, then fine. Maybe you’ll stop sending me mediocre emails about it.

“You’re running out of time, William”

you do not say…

“New offers added this week!”

Wait a minute… you said the same thing last week!

Okay okay, enough jokes.

But is there any chance you can tell me what those products are? Or is it just bragging about having new stock?

“Only a few hours left…”

Excellent.

“We’d love to hear your thoughts”

I bet you will. What’s in there for me?

You know, some people pay for market research. Are you asking me to give you information about my preferences for free? If so, pass. If you’re offering me something in return, even a chance to win something, maybe you’ll start with that.

“This is incredible!”

Aww, that’s good, I’m happy for you.

Oh, are you trying to sell me something? Strange, you haven’t said anything about anything. Next time, start with why.

Well that’s enough of that.

All of these emails came in the last few days. And these days were nothing special: I get this kind of crap all the time.

Fun fact: most, if not all, of those emails were written by professionals. Someone got paid to type (or probably copy and paste) “this offer ends soon lol” dozens of times.

Yawn.

So here’s a free idea:

It’s better to write terrible subject lines than to repeat this weak nonsense. If your email looks the same as everyone else’s in your prospect’s inbox, they won’t read it. As long as your bad headline is unique, it will stand out.

Even better, obviously, is to be different and good.

Because that’s what’s funny. When I ignore all my email notifications and equally worded emails like the ones above, the emails that remain are beautiful.

Subject lines are intriguing, quirky, and unique.

I pause when I read them and wonder, hey, what’s that all about?

For the best, I stop scanning and open that email right away.

Yes, yes, I am not a representative. A lot of people get boring emails telling them “!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you have a big enough list, you can get away with this lukewarm alternative to competent marketing.

But I do not know. Perhaps you have a smaller list. Maybe you like to stand out from the boring flood of emails.

Or maybe you like money.

In those cases, it pays to put the slightest bit of effort into your email marketing.

I’ll say it again: You want your emails to be good. But if you can’t handle that, at least don’t use the same wavy, boring themes as everyone else.