My husband ignores me during our trial separation: how can I get his attention?

I sometimes hear from wives who are concerned that they have become invisible to their husbands while they are in a trial separation. Often they never wanted the separation in the first place, but tried to keep a positive outlook and hoped that if things didn’t improve, they might not have been as bad as the wives had previously thought. But unfortunately, this does not happen when the husband distances himself or becomes scarce. The wife will often try to communicate with him or remind him of her marriage. And this does not always have the desired results.

Common comments are things like: “I think my husband would like to pretend he doesn’t have a wife or marriage. He promised we’d be in touch regularly and now he practically dodges my calls. If I go, he says he was about to go out. If you I suggest we meet up, he says he needs some time before we start meeting regularly. It’s like he can’t stand to talk to me or see me for more than five minutes. When I act like I normally do, it’s like he thinks he’s fine either ignore me or put me in the background. I don’t know how to get his attention. I’ve considered getting angry and just demanding his attention by acting. in ways that aren’t typical of me, but I’m not sure how I would react. I’ve even thought about trying to flirt with him, but that’s bordering on ridiculous right now. I’ve considered sharing a crisis that is troubling my parents. Only then will I feel like we’re partners again. How can I get his attention? I want to feel like his spouse again and that I am worthy of his attention.”

I understood the plight of this wife. There was a time when I wondered if my husband knew I existed when we parted ways. And frankly, if he knew I existed, I almost think he’d wish he didn’t. I know it’s tempting to want to do something really dramatic so that I have to pay attention to you. But the thing to realize (and what I’ve learned the hard way) is that having the wrong kind of attention can make things worse, and can make you wish you never sought attention in the first place.

So while I understand exactly why you feel you need and want attention, I urge you to think carefully about how you do it. The strategy that any attention is good attention is very risky. In fact, negative attention will often further damage the situation. I feel like there is definitely a right and a wrong way to approach this which I will discuss now.

Sometimes you’ll get more attention from him when it looks like he’s not really trying: I learned firsthand that sometimes your husband will give you his attention when you don’t seem to be looking for it. When my separation became so volatile that my husband lost patience with me, I went to my old home, which was hours away. I stopped pestering, calling, texting, and communicating with my husband. In short, I stopped trying to get him to pay attention to me because I was afraid of doing something I might regret later. And at that point, my marriage couldn’t take any more drama. But it was at that point, when he was least trying to get attention, that he actually started giving me the most. And I find this happens a lot. When you stop trying so hard, you will find that his curiosity increases.

If you are going to do things to get attention, make sure these things elicit positive reactions rather than negative ones: I know it’s very tempting to start a fight to get him to react to you. I suspect you’ve thought about trying to make him jealous or guilty. But none of these strategies make him feel genuine affection or longing for you, who is the real target. You probably don’t want his pity or his anger. You just want a reaction.

So I suggest that if you’re going to try something new to pique his interest, make sure it’s something positive. Perhaps you would like to take a class, lose some weight, or improve your appearance in some way. Perhaps you would like to resume old hobbies that used to make you happy. Whatever you plan to do, make sure you do it for yourself and not for him. Because whatever you do has to be incredibly genuine or it will immediately dismiss what you’re doing. You don’t want to appear desperate or attention seeking. Instead, you want it to look like you’re coping the best you can and trying to make your life better.

So, to answer the question posed, I would suggest considering stopping all obvious attempts to get a reaction. Often this pause will get your attention more effectively than anything else with no negative results. And if you make any changes in the hope that he will notice, then make sure that the goal is a positive reaction rather than a negative one.