Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic

Ahhh, the memorable quotes and statements spoken at business meetings, VC pitches, and executive presentations around the world. We’ve all played buzzword bingo before, noting the buzzword of the day (often “du hour”) as synergy, cooperation, and incentive. In my many years as a consultant, employee, and executive, I’ve collected a number of buzzwords I’ve heard in meetings. Call these phrases, metaphors, whatever, many are silly, laughable, but almost all are evocative, conveying a memorable feeling that regular descriptive words can’t even come close to. A big part of successful business is communication, and certain words can have a powerful effect. Try some of these at your next gathering. If you’ve heard of any interesting ones, please comment. We’d love to know more!

expressing futility
When things aren’t looking so good, here are some ways to say, things suck.

“Rearranging the loungers on the Titanic” as “Putting more money into marketing right now is like rearranging the loungers on the Titanic.”

“Trying to stay on a greased pole” as in “Trying to set up a meeting with him is like trying to stay on a greased pole.”

“Two bald men fighting over a comb” as in “Competing for this little partnership is like two bald men fighting over a comb.”

“Train Wreck” as in “If we don’t fix the dependencies of this project, we’re headed for a train wreck.”

“Spray and prayer marketing” as in “Buy this generic marketing list is spray and prayer marketing.”

“Two drunks supporting each other” as in “This partnership with this other second-rate startup is like two drunks supporting each other.”

“Crazy Mouse” as in “This SMB deal is really nothing more than a crazy mouse”

“Death March” as in “This big architectural release in just 2 months will be a death march for our developers.”

Taking one for the team
“Death by 1000 cuts” as in “All these product requests and support questions from this lead is like death by 1000 cuts.”

“Designated spear catcher” as in “Yes, I’ll be flying in tonight to make the introduction; I’ll be the designated spear catcher.”

“He holds the pen and we’ll move the paper” as in “We’ve tried our best for all your requests. You just need to hold the pen and we’ll move the paper.”

“Fall on your own sword” as in “His aggressive push ruffled a lot of feathers, he basically fell on his own sword.”

putting it in perspective
“Tying two rocks together” as in “Merging with this company is like tying two rocks together to see if it floats.”

“Tallest Midget” as in “Hey, claiming you’re the proven market leader in this industry is like saying you’re the tallest midget.”

Is so easy
“Shooting fish in a barrel” – as in “These tracks coming from the web are like shooting fish in a barrel”

“Barney Deals” as in “This non-revenue-generating partnership is basically a Barney Deal” (in homage to the purple dinosaur exclaiming ‘I love you, you love me’).

look on the bright side
“Turn lemons into lemonade” as in “Team, we need to turn lemons into lemonade by renaming this bug to a function.” Converted from non-commercial version (let’s flip the frown on it)

“Future’s bright, better wear shades” as in “This new product will outsell our flagship future’s bright, better wear shades.”

“That’s a good problem” as in “We just hired our 100th customer and we only have one tech support person. This is a good problem.”

Perseverance
“We can no longer wait for the storm to pass, we must learn to work in the rain” as in “We can no longer wait for the storm to pass, we must learn to work in the rain.”

“Hit singles before you hit the home run” as in “Work with these smaller industry analysts first and then talk to Gartner: Hit a few singles before you hit the home run.”

“Roll up my sleeves” as in “Even though I’m an executive, I can write this data sheet just fine; I’m the roll-up-sleeves type of girl.”

“Start working” as in “She worked for our competitor before we hired her so she can start working.”

Policy
“Calling your baby ugly” as in “It wouldn’t be nice to criticize the CEO’s skunkworks project, it’s like calling your baby ugly.”

“Getting thrown under the bus” as in “Hey, I don’t mean to throw Bob under the bus, but I also think he needs to improve his communication style.” or “Well, if we’re all throwing Bob under the bus, he needs to shower once in a while, too.”

“Too many chefs in the kitchen” as in “Your input into this ad campaign is greatly appreciated, but we have too many chefs in the kitchen right now.”

“Airplane test” as in “Bill’s a cool guy, he’d pass the airplane test” (you’d sit next to the guy on a plane ride)

“Hill to die on” as in “While I disagree with this approach, this is not the hill I want to die on. I will choose my battles elsewhere.”

“Wearing his wig backwards” as in “Did you see Joe this morning? Looks like he woke up with his wig backwards.”

“One-Legged Man” as in “Since the restructuring, he’s as busy as a one-legged man in a kicking contest.”

Find Opportunity
“Shake some trees and see what falls” as in “You should go to that conference and shake some trees and see what falls.”

“Being invited to the dance and changing the music” as in “When I was hired, we were a consumer company, and now we’re a business-to-business company; it’s like being invited to the dance and then changing the music.” “

“Fruit within arm’s reach” as in “Though these are a bit low priority, these are quick wins. Grab the fruit within arm’s reach first.” It is often indicated on the slides as LHG.

“Throw spaghetti on the wall to see what sticks” as in “We have 10 marketing messages, let’s throw the spaghetti on the wall and see what sticks.”

“Kissing Dogs” as in “This deal looks so much better than a lot of the dogs I’ve been kissing lately.”

in the know
“Throw them over the fence” as in “I think it’s time to get HR over the fence on this acquisition as we’re going to have to lay off half the staff.”

“Secret sauce” as in “This link popularity based search engine ranking technology is our secret sauce”

Judge a book by its cover
“Lipstick on a pig” as in “This product is really subpar: you can put lipstick on the pig but you can’t make it dance.”

“Ghost of authority” as in “The founder is really a ghost of authority – he’s the CEO you have to talk to.”

“Roaches behind the wallpaper” as in “I did some due diligence on this merger and found a lot of roaches behind the wallpaper.”

“Showcase” as in “Yes, I know this advisory board is shopfront, but it helps us look like a bigger company.”

dirty 101
“Bit twiddlers” as in “Are you talking to business unit decision makers or technical twiddlers?”

“Great sex meeting” as in “It’s nice that you met with them again, but until you close the deal, it’s just a great sex meeting.”

“Column fodder” as in “The RFP looks like our competitor’s data sheet; we’re just column fodder on this deal.”

“Feet on the street” as in “We are participating in these regional agreements because we have our feet on the street.”

“8-leg deals” as in “Are you bringing a sales engineer, an engineer, and an executive with you? These 8-leg deals are expensive.”

“Sell ice to Eskimos” as in “This kind of sales is the best of all: I could sell ice to Eskimos.”

“Equipped” as in “I need to go back to HQ to “equip” (ie pick up some datasheets, tchotkes, loot, etc.)

“Going sideways” as in “He’s not returning your phone calls? I’m worried this deal is going sideways.”

marketing 101
“Show” as in “We need this advertising campaign. There is no business without a show.”

“Markitecture” as in “The datasheet needs a markitecture diagram that the business and technical person can understand.”

“The Mommy Test” as in “The marketing message must pass the mommy test.”

“Buy holes” as in “Focus on the benefits: people don’t go to the hardware store to buy drills, they go there to buy the hole.”

“Top Right Corner” as in “We need a strategy that puts us in the top right corner” (in homage to the Gartner quadrant).

“Carpet Bomb” as in “This launch is going to bomb our verticals”

“Heavy Gorilla” as in “MSFT is the 800 pound gorilla”

“Shiny items” as in “Put a good SPIF on this new product – the sales team will say ‘shiny items’ and sell them”

“Coin Operated” as in “This generous commission structure will sell these services well – all vendors are coin operated.”

“Spearhead” as in “We appreciate the efforts of our sales organization. You are the tip of our spear.”

“Land and expand” as in “This free download is a great way to land and expand an account.”

Do it
“Cow on this topic” as in “Okay, I think we’ve curtsied on this topic for now, what’s the next item on the agenda?”

“If you have to remove the problem, don’t dent it” as in “Is this webinar how we’re responding to our competitor? If you have to remove the problem, don’t dent it.”

“Let the grass grow under your feet” as in “We have many steps to take before the next fair: don’t let the grass grow under your feet.”

What done is done
“You can’t remove the buzzer” as in “Did you give them that price proposal? Well, you can’t remove the buzzer.”

“Zigged instead of zagged” as in “Focusing on the technical champion was a bad idea – I zigzagged when I should have.”

“Pottery Barn Rule: If you break it, it belongs to you”, as in “Society is starting to fall apart. You know the Pottery Barn Rule.”

“Take back the horns” as in “The hard sell approach was good for a while, but you need to take back the horns a bit and let them figure out your requirements.”

Competence
“Slowing down the train that left the station” as in “Sending this competitive comparison paper is fine, but you are trying to slow down a train that has already left the station.”

“The trophy isn’t big enough” as in “There are a lot of moms and dads out there, but the trophy isn’t big enough for us to be on the market

Difficult situation
“Sitting in the pot of soup” as in “After last term, you’re sitting in a pot of soup and you’re not enjoying it very much.”

“Wobbly wheels on the cart” as in “He’s going to push that project hard—the cart wheels are starting to wobble a little, but it’s going to be done fast.”

“Trim the fat” as in “We’ve done some serious over-hiring – we’re going to have to trim the organizational fat over the next quarter.”

“Porcupines” as in “You have to approach this deal like two porcupines making love, very carefully”

Comprehension
“Arms around the ball” as in “I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to wrap my arms around the ball yet.”

“Double click” as in “Wait, can you double click on that point on the slide?”

“Sniff Test” as in “I looked at your tech, they didn’t pass the sniff test.”

Priorities
“High-order bits” as in “Wait a second, give me the high-order bits first”

“Boiling the ocean” as in “Take on IBM and Microsoft? I think you might be boiling the ocean here.”

“Wood behind the arrow” as in “Is this ROI calculator something I should put all my wood behind the arrow into?”

Success
“Wind in the sails” as in “This good product review gives us a good wind in our sails.”