Three Rarely Used But Highly Effective Coping Skills

Multiple experiences of loss pervade each life. They demand an inordinate amount of time and emotional energy to cope with the massive changes imposed. However, there are many well-known strategies for dealing with the grief of loss, ranging from expressing emotions and seeking meaning to journaling and joining a support group.

However, there are three skills you can develop that are not commonly talked about in complaint books that can make a big difference in a positive outcome for your complaint work. Give them a try as you deal with your adjustment period, no matter what type of loss you’re grieving.

1. Become an expert in redirecting the focus of your attention. Dwelling on the pain of what you have lost is normal, but it often leads to excessive suffering. The more attention you give it, the bigger it grows, so there’s no reason you can’t take a break from your grief and practice the art of refocusing. This is not difficult to do. It takes patience and persistence.

You can use a symbol such as a trinket, a coin, or a photo of a beautiful scene, as a cue to check where your attention is focused. Or develop a signal word or phrase to immediately shift your attention elsewhere when thoughts become too painful. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a quick distraction that will capture your full attention and temporarily relieve you of pain.

This fun is not only healthy; it will give you a feeling of greater control of your inner life. You can use it for any negative or painful thoughts you want to send. Some people yell “Stop” or “Enough” and then move to another room or do something else to change the scene. Once again, it is important for your health to deflect painful thoughts.

2. Systematically go back to moments in the past when you felt loved. One of the most important images you can develop and periodically recall from your memory bank is a moment or moments when you felt loved. Love is the greatest healer of all.

Think of scenes from the past when love was freely given and received and begin to use them to balance the sadness and negativity associated with your loss. This is another well-accepted therapeutic diversion. Take some time every day to focus on those beautiful images. Also, be sure to focus on the feelings, what was said, including what you may have learned and where you were at the time.

One of those memories would be great to focus on when you want to redirect your attention when you’re overwhelmed. Thoughts are extremely powerful and loving thoughts will give you much-needed comfort.

3. Learn to gently educate your support system. Although it’s a tough time to have to, telling your caregivers what you need and when you need it can pay huge dividends. Many who want to help are often not sure what to do. Gently tell them if you need quiet time, turn the TV down or off, or need to be alone at certain times. Also, tell them not to be afraid of crying so much or having to repeat parts of the story of your loss.

It is especially important to let them know, after the months have passed and you have not followed your healing schedule, that you need more time. This is when your closest friends will need to know that you still need to talk and that they can be very helpful if they are just there and listening, and not telling you what to do. Again, make it clear that you’re very grateful for what they’ve done, but there’s no set time limit for grieving, you don’t need to see a counselor, and each person’s complaint is unique. Deep down you know what you need better than anyone.

In short, you have the inherent ability to cope with any loss that occurs in your life. Welcome the care of friends and family. We all need the support of the right people at the right time. And use the three coping strategies above to help you take primary responsibility for reconciling your loss and reinvesting in life.