help me understand you better

Isn’t it interesting how, when we’re in a long-term relationship, we expect, and even assume, that our partner will know our likes and dislikes, how we think about certain things? We can be disappointed, even angry, if they slip up, don’t ‘get’ us, or completely misunderstand us; ‘They should have known I would/wouldn’t like that, no matter what they were thinking!’

We may feel that they are not paying attention, that they are not fully involved in the relationship, that they do not care enough about us. But maybe we should ask ourselves if we have explained ourselves well enough. How could they know these things, we have told them, we hope they are psychic?

We meet other people, potential new friends, in random but self-chosen situations, often starting with just one or two commonalities. We can work together, go to the gym at the same time, network, use public transportation. Over time, our initial smile of recognition can gradually develop into a few words of friendly hello or even an interest in taking things further and socializing together.

A new friendship can blossom as we get to know each other more, perhaps being pleasantly surprised to discover shared interests, likes, and dislikes. We can feel so comfortable and in tune with each other that we just assume we share the same views and views on many other issues.

Someone I barely know, a friend of a mutual acquaintance, recently sent me a text saying that he had a dream about me. In his dream he told me that I wanted to tell him certain things but I felt unable to do so. He had texted me because she was worried about me and my emotional state.

He was surprised when I responded, pointing out that it was his dream, that the feelings were his, and that whatever he attributed to me in the dream actually had nothing to do with me. He had simply used me as a conduit to express his own thoughts and feelings about various things that were going on in his life. She had interpreted the dream as something real, an idea of ​​how I felt at that moment, when in reality it was all about her.

This is a perfect example of how our own reality can absorb and consume us to such an extent that we lose sight of just how unique our personal experience of life is. Each of us has our own individual perspective and perception of life and living.

So how do we become better able to understand each other?

– When we want to relate, understand and get to know others. improving the way we hear them is an important skill. Double-checking that we’ve heard and understood correctly, perhaps clarifying details we’re unsure of, and showing that we’re interested and committed to all help to improve any communication.

– Practice empathy. How would you feel if you were in their situation? They clearly have their own interpretation of what’s going on, but being supportive and showing emotion that resonates with what they’ve said shows that you’re trying to be in tune with them, respecting their situation.

– But equally, avoid hijacking the conversation. with a ‘I know how you feel, it happened to me, let me tell you all about it!’ While it can be reassuring for them to know that they are not alone in their experiences, it works to lessen their feelings and turns the conversation around you. Not very understanding, is it?

– Avoid the temptation to jump to conclusions, complete sentences or guess what is being said. Make good eye contact and be patient as you listen carefully. Understanding comes from appreciating the big picture, how they feel about their story, not just the words being said.

– Good communicators avoid the use of jargon or acronyms. They explain the basics, not in a condescending way, but in a way that allows others to feel comfortable and included. When we are familiar with our own subject matter, too aware of our own history, it can be easy to assume that others are just as informed as we are, that they have the same level of understanding. But that is not always the case.

We can be so immersed and wrapped up in our history, our own version of events that, often without realizing it, we prevent others from understanding us. A little extra care and attention invested in expressing ourselves well can make all the difference and help others understand us better.