It seems that my husband does not want to have sex with me after his affair

Sometimes I hear from wives who are devastated not only by their husband’s cheating or affair, but also by the loss of intimacy and physical contact. For whatever reason, sex has been taken off the table. So, at a time when a wife is already hurt and confused, she is now struggling with the fact that she can’t be sure of being intimate. This leaves her wondering if her husband is still sexually attracted to her and whether or not her marriage can recover.

She might say, “My husband had an affair about two months ago. At first, I didn’t even talk to him. Eventually, I allowed him to come see the kids, and little by little, we started talking again. I can tell he feels very guilty and ashamed. He goes out of his way to be accommodating and nice to me. He has told me that although he would like to stay married and would never cheat on me again, he can’t ask me to stay with him because he doesn’t know if he could stay with me if I cheated on him He’s basically saying that he wouldn’t blame me if I refused to take him back. I told him that I’m going to take my time to make a decision. But until this week, I was really considering it. However, last weekend the kids and I watched a movie with my husband and fell asleep. My husband and I ended up talking and laughing. One thing led to another and before long we were kissing. When things were about to get intimate, my husband pulled away and said, “I just can’t have it.” x with you right now. I was stunned, so I asked him: ‘you can’t or you don’t want to?’ He got up and said, “I just can’t. I’m sorry.” I have no idea what to make of this. I’ve tried asking him about this, but he always changes the subject. Is he not attracted to me? He can’t he physically complete the task because of the adventure? I want to save my marriage, but I also want to have a healthy sex life again one day. Why couldn’t a man have sex with his wife after the affair?

I can’t speak for your husband, but I suspect it’s not like he couldn’t have sex with you. I suspect that she could have completed the task if she had felt good about it. However, many men carry a bit of guilt and shame after the affair. So they know that having sex again could create a great deal of discomfort and negative feelings. On one hand, they may very much want to have sex with you. But they are ashamed of this desire because they feel that they have no right to ask you for it. Also, they know that when you get naked and start having sex, you may both be caught up in thoughts of him having sex with someone else, since that injury is so fresh. The thought of this might terrify you. And you might think that it’s better to wait to have sex than to try it now and have it be a disaster. Also, you may not want it to seem like he’s only interested in having sex with you when he really doesn’t deserve it.

I know this is painful and may feel like rejection, but let’s look at the facts. Her husband and you were having a nice happy time laughing together. He was clearly interested when he was kissing you. And then something changed. Since he told you that he would like to save your marriage, I highly doubt he wouldn’t be attracted to you. In fact, I’m sure it was tempting to have sex. However, he was probably trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing or awkward encounter. And maybe he didn’t want you to feel taken advantage of in the morning or he didn’t want you to feel guilty.

Many couples delay having sex after an affair for a couple of different reasons. They want to make sure the time is right. They don’t want to rush in and potentially create bigger problems than they already had. Many know that if the sex was awkward and just not good, then they would interpret that as their marriage being doomed. So they wait until they’re sure it’s going to be right, because they know they’re going to look at it.

Your husband might have the same thought process. She may want to wait until both of you are sure the time is right. He may not want to look like the creep who pressures his wife to have sex after her affair. And you probably know that both of you might have thoughts about the affair during sex. All of these reasons explain why it can actually make sense to wait.