Your son is fat (speaking clearly for the parents)

I could have said “obese”, “overweight”, “burly”, “burly” or “chubby” instead of “fat”, but those would be verbal reformulations, which are nicer ways of saying “fat”. It’s kind of like saying “enhanced interrogation” of prisoners, rather than torture. I think we all know what fat means and I think it best expresses how our children feel. Fat looks and feels ugly. Peers don’t call your kids obese, they call them fat. I realize this expression is harsh, but we have a current national health crisis and it is projected to get worse. According to a 2007 study by the Center for Human Nutrition at the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, “If the rate of overweight and obesity continues at current rates, by 2015, 75 percent of adults and nearly 24 percent of American children and adolescents are overweight or obese. Perhaps we all need a dose of “in your face” reality. By the way, I would never directly tell any child that they are fat, but their peers will and even their siblings.

Parents, you may believe that there is nothing you can do about it. Most do nothing. If one or both of you are fat, they probably feel that they have no right to try to intervene. After all, your child is sure to say to any sincere effort to help, “Look who’s talking!” -and you know, your son is right. If he can’t deal with his weight problem, he is not a reliable source of advice. Right? There is still hope.

If neither of you are fat, I guess you think you’re a more credible source of support than fat parents. However, there are many things to understand about your fat children. They are emotionally wounded. They get frequent reminders that they are too big: their mirrors convey it; they are cruelly teased by their peers at school and are reminded by television and teen magazines of how they should look.

Children do not focus on health issues; they focus on how they are accepted by their peers. Therefore, reading about potential problems (diabetes) does not impress or provide much motivation to lose weight. They want to be included, valued and loved by their peers. They realize that their fatness prevents them from achieving these powerful and normal needs. At this crossroads, they have a higher potential for depression and anxiety, which can lead to more overeating.

Girls tend to internalize their distress through depression and low self-esteem and boys tend to externalize it, perhaps by acting out, fighting, using drugs/alcohol, or other antisocial behaviors. They feel that their normal childhood has been stolen from them, that their discontent is enormous and that their future is bleak. How do I know this? They have shared these feelings with me in psychotherapy. I felt her pain as her therapist.

With the expected precautionary advice, children should receive a complete exam to rule out any medical issues that may be contributing to their weight status. When there is a medical problem, it is the joint responsibility of the doctor and the parents to help the child. Consult with other professionals such as a nutritionist or dietician. If a medical problem is not considered in the etiology, parents should carefully observe the lifestyle choices made by their children and themselves. This is easy to say, but very difficult to do. Understand that children, and young people now called tweens (ages 11, 12, and 13), are not fully developed in self-discipline skills (psychologists call this self-regulatory traits) and perform poorly in monitoring their own choices of behavior It becomes the parents’ responsibility to help them without coming across as lecturing, nagging, and creating power struggles. This is a difficult balancing act.

With the onset of puberty, the changing body of both sexes can be overwhelming for some. Recent research on the effects of puberty clearly indicates that for most tweens and teens, puberty is not perceived as a negative event. Puberty does not make your child fat. For the non-medically based, what makes our young people fat? Let’s examine what you already know.

Think of the word sedentary. Now think about television, cell phones, video games, movies, driving or being driven in a car, riding the school bus, cutting back on physical education classes, increasing sleep, and a host of other behaviors, And you will realize that all these activities are not active, but sedentary. With a large number of moms in the workforce, their children’s food preparation, nutritious meal planning and determination to control their intake of fatty foods are undermined by the fatigue of contemporary life. Pizza joints, burger joints, and fried chicken shacks line the main arteries of our towns and cities, inviting the family to park their big butts and eat these things with fries on the side. Of course, all of this can be oversized!

With the advent of two-spouse work, cleaning and gardening services are often added. I’ve lived in several middle-class subdivisions, where lawn service workers flock to neighborhoods to trim, mow, and fix lawns, while tweens and teens casually walk around with their cell phones pressed to their ears, and of course , race, multitask by eating a peanut butter/jelly sandwich on white bread. I don’t believe that children are lazy, but simply that they are not effectively guided by their parents. Think of the calories that could be burned pushing a vacuum cleaner, lawnmower, or washing the car!

What parents should and should not do.

– As parents, do not complain about your appearance. Your child is likely to do the same. Also, don’t make negative comments about other people’s size, as our children will incorporate the idea that if they grow up to look like the people you criticize, they will disappoint you. They don’t want to be a failure in your eyes.

– If one or both of them are fat, don’t teach your fat son to do what you don’t do. In other words, if you can’t model a proper diet or exercise program, keep your mouth shut until you can be an effective model. If you want them off the couch, get off the couch.

– Without scolding, encourage physical exercise by making it a family activity. Make a request for your child to join you, never make a demand, as the latter could start a power struggle. If you don’t get what you ask for, want, or want, you won’t be as upset if you don’t get what you demand.

– Avoid continuous discussions about diets. Most children and adolescents know about diets. If you push the issue, they are more likely to become oppositional and defiant.

– As a family, learn about nutrition and exercise. They are more likely to cooperate.

– Debunk the myth that “looking good” is the most important thing in your acceptance by others. Honestly focus on their attributes regardless of their body type.

– Most healthy meals can be prepared in about thirty minutes, about the same time it would take to drive to a fast food restaurant. Try to eat most of your meals at home so you can cut back on fatty foods.

– Take your children to the supermarket with you. Together, choose foods that you can enjoy and that are part of a good diet.

– When you see your children making an effort to eat healthy and exercise, praise them.

– Whenever possible, eat together as a family. Make an effort to have pleasant conversations. Eating is associated with positive activities rather than eating, and eating is associated with anxiety. Parents, never use food as a positive reinforcement with your children.

– Plan celebrations around an enjoyable activity, not an overeating food festival.

– If your child approaches you and confesses that he is being teased; listen, comfort, do not lecture, do not threaten to go to school and confront the teasing children, the principal, the teacher; just listen and comfort. Ask the boy if he can be of any help and accept her answer.

– If the child asks for help, do the best you can. If she needs help, find resources in the community. Behavior modification programs have been shown to be effective for weight problems.

– If you suspect your child has an eating disorder, such as binge eating, bulimia, or hiding food in their rooms; seek professional help.

Obesity in children, in most cases can be solved. It requires a dedicated effort on the part of the parents. Once unhealthy eating patterns are established, it is difficult, but not impossible, to reverse them. Parents have to be the ones to guide their children who have this debilitating disorder. This must be the mentality of the parents. Obesity can become a lifelong problem with serious consequences. If you trust the child to do something about it, you have established faulty thinking. If you think your child will “outgrow” the problem with age, you’re wrong. As a parent, you must respond as if your child has a treatable disease. There needs to be a discussion between mom and dad so that they are both on the same page as to what concerted plan is in place. Must be in concert. More than anything, model what you want your child to see in your eating, exercise, and lifestyle habits. Let them see you denying yourself the second helping of fries. get up from the sofa to go for a walk, take the stairs instead of the elevator, and wash their own car. Day after day, little by little they will witness good habits, and without saying a word, they will continue. Do it. Your child’s health, body image and self-esteem are worth this effort.